Heading to the annual Kilmore Show with the kids, we pulled into the last bakery before our turn off. Kemp’s Bakery sits proudly on the high street with a giant sign stating they bake all products on site daily - great!

Mrs B took out a custard tart and bought me a pink-topped vanilla slice, for a combined $7. With a hefty layer of pink icing on top of pale sheets of pastry and a gloopy looking custard filling, I wasn’t predicting 10/10 for this one. Having said that. The filling was rather nice; fresh, sweet and vanilla flavoured custard - pretty much what you’d want from a bakery staple. The pastry was indeed a bit under baked and though fresh, didn’t offer great resistance from picking up and biting. Somewhat flimsy and lacking crunch the last few mouthfuls were a bit messy with the custard wanting a swift exit from the sandwich. With a moment of in my head “I told you so“, the icing was pink and laced with a raspberry flavour that was just too sweet and synthetic for my palette.

Not the best result overall, but worthy of the pit stop. I forgot to mention that Mrs B hates nutmeg too, which made the custard tart a very bad choice for her morning tea purchase!

Filling: Outstandingly rich but creamy vanilla custard 9/10
Pastry: Triple layered, golden, crunchy and delicious 8.5/10
Presentation: Triple stacked, neatly assembled 8/10
Value for money: $5.50 - Medium sized portion, beautifully fresh, morish 8.5/10
Overall score: 8.5/10

It has taken me three of so months to purchase something from newly opened Sweettopia. Positioned approximately 100 metres from my house, I’ve walked past many times and I’ve snooped at their cakes, never to find a vanilla slice...until now!

So I took home one of their tri-layered slices and picked it up to eat it free style in the comfort of my own home. With the first bite, I recognised the firm, dark brown, crisp, buttery layers of pastry that immediately compressed the lighter than expected dark yellow creamy vanilla custard. Within a few more bites, the custard was everywhere, and I was rescuing evacuated custard from my fingers before it hit the plate. I was pleasantly surprised how good the core ingredients were here. The custard was light, but rich and eggy, full of vanilla flavour and something I would happily whip up in my own kitchen.

Selling for $5.50 and also offering half sized square portions, I will no doubt pop back in for a cheeky one at some point. For the size, I think the price could be a dollar cheaper, but the product itself is very high quality, so no real qualms. All they need to do now is offer dairy free options for my kids and we will have our local favourite bakery.

Filling: An unhealthy amount of heavy whipped cream custard 8/10
Pastry: Hard to spot, not up to task 3/10
Presentation: Unrefined, randomly sized 5/10
Value for money: $7 - High price, high calorie content, potential hospital visit 6.5/10
Overall score: 5.6/10

Already heading out to the eastern suburbs to visit Eastland, I searched for a vanilla slice establishment in the immediate Ringwood area. Sitting comfortably at the top of the Google search was The Burger Moore Cafe, selling their now ‘infamous’ vanilla slices. “Best vanilla slice I’ve ever eaten” I read on their Zomato and Trip Advisor pages, but unfortunately I have to disagree for a few good reasons.

With different shaped portions and two different prices, Mrs B and I bought a traditional ($6.50) and passionfruit ($7.50) slice and sat with the kids happy to play with the indoor selection of toys. We made the mistake of ordering two slices, with one being more than adequate to share in hindsight. Thankfully we had cutlery because trying to eat this thing with your hands would just be the biggest mistake, and potentially unachievable.

The shear volume of cream custard is awesome but the lawyers of pastry were lost in the mix and proved soggy in both slices. With such ratios the pastry really needed to be dark, buttery and flaky, but were instead blonde and required a double fork action to tear through it roughly. The passionfruit icing was rather nice but unworthy of an additional dollar in my opinion.

This is not the first time I’ve been duped by ginormous slices that don’t deliver; Hydroponic Cafe in Mount Martha, Flinders Fish & Chips and now this one. You can supersize for sure, but the components have to be well refined and up to task first. An otherwise nice cafe, friendly staff and decent coffee.

Filling: Heavy pudding-mix style custard 5/10
Pastry: Blonde but thin and crispy 7/10
Presentation: Nothing special 6/10
Value for money: $4 - Average portion size, freshly baked 6.5/10
Overall score: 6.1/10

Out in Croydon for the morning, the family and I stopped on the high street for some morning tea. Naturally, I gravitated towards the bakery nearest and strolled into Jason’s Bakehouse. Selling a traditional and a ‘Granny’ slice, I opted for the more creamy Granny-labelled option pictured below.

Notable from pickup was the freshness of the slice, with the pastry offering excellent firmness to go from bag to mouth with little mess. With the first bite, the pastry was thin and crispy and the custard creamy but also quite heavy in texture. The custard had a pudding mix taste to it, potentially from overuse of custard powder in the mixture. The slice was very straight forward to eat on the go and made little to no mess of my outfit. All together the slice had some merit, selling at a reasonable price for the portion size, clearly freshly baked and not offensive in taste or flavour overall.

Filling: Pale, gelatinous and flavourless ‘custard’ 2.5/10
Pastry: Blonde, slightly better than expected 5/10
Presentation: Little thought offered about presentation 4/10
Value for money: $4 - Average portion size, spend money elsewhere 5/10
Overall score: 4.1/10

Surprisingly this bakery was suggested to me by a vanilla slice hunting novice, so I swung by early one morning to grab a fresh slice off the shelf. Selling at $4 I was presented with a bang average looking, averagely sized, averagely priced product. With that being the case, I wasn’t holding out much hope for the quality of the custard and pastry. I wasn’t disappointed either (because I wasn’t anticipating being rewarded!).

I bit through all layers to discover a very jellied milk custard, somewhat crispier pastry than anticipated but still lacking richness and flake, and a grainy, slightly thick icing. The custard was particularly pale in colour, so no real surprises to taste next to nothing; no creaminess, no egg, and no vanilla. What’s more, it didn’t shift with handling and biting, clearly welded to the pastry sheets surrounding it’s mass. The pastry was quite thick and clumpy, lacking butter content and a crisp flake you get from longer in the oven.

All in all, this slice could have been a lot worse if not freshly baked. However, I certainly won’t be heading back for another.

Filling: Vanilla speckled custard 8/10
Pastry: Beautiful colour, but not fresh 6/10
Presentation: Thoughtfully presented with freeze dried garnishes 8/10
Value for money: $5.50 (estimate) - Small portion, tasty but not super-fresh 5.5/10
Overall score: 6.9/10

In need of some mid morning caffeine I popped into Marci - a cafe a bit further up Glenferrie Road than my previous stops. Selling a variety of baked goods and hearty salads, I ordered what looked devilishly like a vanilla slice, to be told it was actually a passionfruit custard slice. With the same key ingredients in its makeup, I figured I’d eat and review it regardless.

Starting with the price, I spent $9.50 on a small latte and this little slice, so I assume it would have been $5-5.50 on its own. That didn’t seem too steep considering the suburb, the presentation and thought that had gone into its creation and with any luck...freshness. Unfortunately what let this slice down entirely was its freshness. The pastry was presented in dark, golden, buttery layers but had very little bite to them. The final few mouthfuls became a potential custard catastrophe waiting to happen as they wilted and sagged under the pressure. The custard itself was very nicely made, with a rich egg base, heavy cream content and vanilla bean speckles running throughout. The icing too full of flavour, containing a mottled passionfruit and freeze fried berry combo that was extremely tasty with the custard.

I’d be happy to head back and try another one of these fresh from the kitchen, as I don’t feel that this review is a true reflection of a potentially very nice product. Perhaps a re-review in the near future.

With my kids thinking 5am is a sensible wake up time we headed out early to enjoy the morning sun at a nearby market in Maroochydore. I stumbled across some yummy looking treats from a Nambour Bakery, so dually obliged by handing over my $4.50 for one of their vanilla slices. Advertised on their website as selling “unique cakes” I have to agree. There were some unusual options for Mrs B to choose from, including a Cointreau slice and various others I have since forgotten, but I pay particular attention to the uniqueness of their vanilla slice.

Many of my reviews lean towards a lack of butter and richness in slices, but this one had far too much and became very overpowering towards the later bites. The custard wasn’t so much creamy as it was buttery, with only a hint of vanilla and sweetness to mention. The pastry would have probably been outstanding with a lighter whipped creamy custard, but instead got lost. One thing to pick out was the brûlée taste that came from an unknown source. I’m not sure if the pastry has been bruleed somehow, but it certainly was unique and somewhat of a mystery. This turned out to be my last vanilla slice in the Sunshine Coast family break.

The family and I headed out to the famous Eumundi Markets on a beautifully sunny Saturday on the Sunshine Coast. Needing to keep my daughter happy in the push chair I strolled up the high street and stumbled upon the Eumundi Bakehouse. Faced with a stairway entry and no ramp, I lifted her up (with no offers of any help from people watching by the way) and snooped at their cake cabinets.

Selling two versions of a vanilla slice (French and Continental) I opted for the iced Continental. Working my way back through the markets I stopped to eat the slice and had numerous passers-by stare at me, point and some even ask where the vanilla slices were on sale. Nevertheless, I chowed down from within the bag and the experience was quite pleasant overall. Most identifiable was the ratio of pastry to custard and how the pastry needed further reinforcement from being baked longer to become firmer in the triple layer construction. The custard was tasty enough, with some vanilla content evident, but there just wasn’t enough of it in my humble opinion. Even though the day was hot, the icing didn’t weld itself to my fingers thankfully. Great markets too by the way, highly recommend!

Local chain Crust were due a visit for a Snot Blog review so I took away one of their vanilla slices and a chocolate eclair for Mrs B from their Kunda Park store. Admittedly the slice was packaged for the ride back to the holiday house in the car, but even in the display case it still looked patchy and inconsistently dusted. The custard had a noticeable yellow colour, though this was not due to egg content I would later find out. The mixture felt like a creamed vanilla pudding mix, lacking in texture or airiness you get from a good whipped custard. The pastry was fresh at least, but it’s bake was quite blonde, and well puffed compared to a compacted wafer-style thin layer that is easier to pick up and hold. Whilst attempting to pick this up like a sandwich the slice drooped and flopped, causing some close calls with the floor. Mrs B was initially very happy with the aesthetics of the chocolate eclair, but with the first bite realised it was stale. Not great overall.

My first vanilla slice in over a month saw me head to Dutchy’s Bakehouse, some 1748km from home. Of course I was on holiday in the Sunshine Coast and searched for places nearby to grab one. Dutchy’s popped up on Google and my family and I swung by for morning tea en route to Australia Zoo. We were met with a warm Dutch welcome, offered freshly baked (still warm) ginger biscotti and there was even some chocolate croissant tasters to enjoy prior to even placing our order. My two young children loved the selection of games and activities placed on the tables whilst Mrs B and I washed down our cakes with a coffee.


The actual item in question was not only glamorous to look at, but thoroughly delicious and made with real passion. The pastry was outstanding, delectably thin and golden, flaky to to the bite and coated in finely spread Belgian chocolate to stop the moisture of the custard seeping in. The custard looked claggy for want of a better word but was utterly delicious, it’s texture was smooth, creamy and packed with vanilla, not set as I initially suspected. On top of the custard lay a hefty layer of beautifully whipped, fresh vanilla cream. The glossy, white icing contained yet more Belgian chocolate that added a beautiful bitterness against the sweetness of the other ingredients.


The pastry chef came out to chat with us further and the chefs wife also stopped to ensure we had a good experience. Mrs B thoroughly enjoyed her buttery chocolate croissant and the coffees too were top notch. An awesome bakery, lovely staff and quality products on offer. Potentially pricey for some, but I personally don’t mind paying a little more for quality.

I found myself in a part of Melbourne I’d not been before so thought it wise to stop at a bakery in the neighbourhood. You know, it’s quite refreshing to pay for a vanilla slice with a five dollar note and receive a handful of change these days. I sat outside the bakery and smashed this one in less than a minute. I was equally as surprised by the quality of the item. Dark, flaky, almost short bread-like pastry that crumbled and broke off in rich shards of sugary goodness. A sweet, vanilla cream custard filling and messy fingers to follow. A slightly more compacted pastry would have been beneficial for picking up and chomping through, but for the most part a recommendation for anyone that is driving past and only has a pocket full of change.

Sharing a neighbourhood with Aviv Bakery, I opted for a bakery I’d not tried before, just down the road in Elsternwick. I popped into Benjamin’s and took out a beef and red wine pie and neatly presented triple stacked vanilla slice. Having burnt the roof of my mouth on the scolding hot pie filling, I needed to cool the burn with custard. Breaking the slice into two horizontally, I picked it up and consumed it in two smaller servings. I instantly noticed some crunchy pastry and this allowed for easy slice manipulation. Though crunchy, the pastry lacked depth of flavour and richness, as did the custard. More of a whipped cream with a hint of custard powder, it was light and fluffy, but not a deep, luxurious custard. Selling at Patisserie prices, but pieced together with standard bakery components, next time I might return to Aviv’s when in the area.

Missing the turnoff for The French Lettuce for a cheeky revisit, I stumbled across Angelo Pasticceria a few blocks north instead. Selling a range of authentic Italian items and a handful of Australian baked goods I was pleased to see a half decent looking vanilla slice. Handing over a five dollar note and receiving $1.30 in return, I was satisfied with the price of my selected item. Standing in a nearly cut square cuboid shape with a thickish white icing atop, the proportions looked encouraging and the pastry thin and crispy looking. The custard was definitively yellow in colour and looked thick and claggy for want of a better term. In terms of taste and texture, it’s safe to note that the pastry was not flaky or crunchy, but potentially soft due to being slightly stale. The custard was completely tasteless other than unnecessarily sweet. No vanilla, no creaminess, no egg. Nothing. I enjoyed the texture of the icing, but due to the sweetness of the custard, it was actually redundant. Next...

Heading to Healesville for a sunny day out at the sanctuary, A half way pit stop was required for morning tea. I dived into Madeleine’s Bakery and left with a seldom seen $3 vanilla slice. An average sized portion, consisting of two hefty slabs of tightly packed puff pastry, uneven in colour, but satisfactorily keeping at bay a decent stack of somewhat set custard. Starting with the positives; the custard had a nice creamy taste to it, nothing too surprising but pleasant enough. The icing was probably the best component; thin, glossy and a delivering nice amount of sweetness. The pastry looked like it might have been flaky and buttery, but sadly it was bland and starting to go soggy from the moisture. Potentially a day old? I didn’t feel too disgruntled, having only parted with $3. I chowed down in a few short bites, before the kids in the back started asking questions of “where’s mine?”.

Filling: Rubbery yellow custard 4.5/10
Pastry: Tightly packed thin layers with some crispness 5.5/10
Presentation: Dubiously set, bulging filling 3/10
Value for money: $unknown - Medium portion size, day old so not fully consumed 5/10
Overall score: 4.5/10

Mid afternoon on the Tuesday after the long weekend, my colleague informs me of a gift that he’d forgotten to give me earlier. From the cupboard and not the fridge he pulls out a brown paper bag with vanilla slice held within. He had picked it up yesterday heading home from Mount Buller, and had brought the slice in and left it in the cupboard! As not to seem rude, but slightly concerned about a potential upset stomach from its lack of refrigeration, I delicately plunged a finger into the rubbery filling that revealed itself to be pulled apart in chunks. I also endeavoured to nibble at the edge of the slice as to sample some of the pastry with the custard. Though a day old and unrefrierated for 6 or so hours, the pastry still had some life left in it, proving to be slightly crispy and clearly unaffected by moisture due to the solidified texture of the custard filling. Though this review might not be 100% accurate due to the nature of my tasting and unknown price,, one can deduce that the pastry when fresh probably would have been pretty decent, the custard not so much.

Stopping in Werribee town centre for a bite to eat prior to visiting the Open Range Zoo, I popped into what I thought would be a French themed Patisserie, only to discover a low key, pretty drab Aussie/Vietnamese bakery. Displayed rather appertisingly in the cake cabinet was three vanilla slice offerings, all sized large. The traditional vanilla slice had a thick layer of poor quality looking icing, the French vanilla included a layer of bright white whipped cream and this ‘custilla’ slice seemed the best of a bad bunch. It’s only when I uncovered it from its bag I saw the actual colour of the filling and the predictably dry boards of dark pastry with much of the sugar now removed. Failing to take a cross sectional bite, it opted for breaking the slice in half through the filling and eating It like an open sandwich instead. After a few bites I had already made the decision not to eat the other half, with utter disappointment that the filling was nothing more than a bland whipped cream mix that was lacking vanilla, sweetness or any notable flavour. The pastry too was abnormally thick and sucked all of the moisture out of my mouth with each bite. Following the disposal of the redundant second half I downed a pint of water to get some moisture back in my body!

Filling: Oozing, airy vanilla custard 7.5/10
Pastry: Partially firm, quite biscuity 7/10
Presentation: Nothing flash, lightly dusted 6/10
Value for money: $5.50 - Reasonably priced overall 8/10
Overall score: 7.4/10

Originally visiting Danish Nosh in December 2018, I reviewed the vanilla slice at 4.15/10, mostly due to the two features circled in the far right image (1. fatty, uncooked pastry, 2. Smooshed custard poorly presented). Management reached out and felt I return to try again, so I did.

Thankfully, this time the vanilla slice I received was much fresher and a damn sight better looking. With only two slices left by mid afternoon, they clearly sell what they bake, so chances of a stale one seem lower for Joe Average popping by on a whim. The slice now sells at $5.50 (originally $4 on my first visit), though I don’t mind paying a little more for a quality product. One would assume that the slice is the same size as before and made of the same ingredients, but it looks like quality control has improved, to coincide with the cost increase perhaps.

This time round the pastry was a much darker colour and firmer texture. It’s hardness caused significant amounts of custard to erupt from the sides when chomped. The custard was still tasty, like previously, but much fresher this time.

I’m pleased I returned. Hopefully the owners are satisfied that I’m not looking to tarnish people’s reputations, but merely make note of my experiences for the everyday vanilla slice consumer doing the rounds.

Suffering with my first winter illness, I wasn’t able to venture too far from home. With a planned trip to a local pharmacy for cold and flu meds, I swung by Woolworths and noticed the vanilla slices on offer at $4.50 for a box of two (normally $5). Compelled to try, I purchased and took home. Only after taking out the first slice, I read the packaging which described that the slices are frozen from fresh and later thawed. This explained by the first slice was still frozen and pretty tough to get through. Upon eating the second slice I allowed it to sit at room temperature for 30 mins, this time with much better results!

I was pleasantly surprised with the quality of the ingredients and the custard was surprisingly smooth, creamy and vanilla flavoured. When frozen it was like a vanilla ice cream, but when thawed out it oozed everywhere when bitten. The ooze effect was also due to the softened pastry, having defrosted and become slightly soggy. I can imagine that these layers would have been pretty good when freshly baked; a golden brown colour, thin and flaky.

The only element I didn’t really enjoy was the icing; quite soft and grainy, though the dark chocolate swirls were a rather nice touch.

Filling: Vanilla speckled creme patissiere 9/10
Pastry: Outstandingly created and decadent 10/10
Presentation: Artisan with fancy brûlée pattern 9/10
Value for money: $6.50 (estimate) - Totally worth every cent 10/10
Overall score: 9.5/10

I walked past Ned’s heading towards my lunch spot and was tempted. I stopped at Ned’s walking back to the car, and the family and I sat cozily on the busy street and devoured our spot of afternoon tea. Two coffees, a babycino, my vanilla slice and a vegan brownie for Mrs B totalled $21, so I estimated the fancy Mille-feuille slice to be somewhere in the $6/7 bracket. Pricey yes, but a high end Patisserie in a swanky neighbourhood normally command this price tag. That’s not to say that you always get value for money, but this time I most certainly did.

Presented using some tried and tested bakers techniques, including the piped domes of custard, this thing looked classy from the get go. The pastry looked divine; devilishly buttery, dark brown and tightly compacted...and it was. Some of the finest pastry I’ve eaten. I would snack on shards of this stuff on its own if it was for sale. The top layer even more delicious with the burnt sugar topping that made the whole thing taste of rich caramel. The custard too was excellent, and actually quite subtle in its flavour. Though boasting the black speckled vanilla bean it wasn’t overly sweet and had a velvety creaminess and hint of egg. The balance of the slice was excellent and ticked all of the sweet and savoury components, and proved quite tricky, but pleasurable to eat.

Filling: Suprisingly good vanilla custard 7.5/10
Pastry: Rich, multi-layered, crumbly and flaky 8.5/10
Presentation: Unusually all one coloured, pastry flaked decoration on top 6/10
Value for money: $5.50 - Big price tag but big on flavour 7/10
Overall score: 7.25/10

In an unknown part of Melbourne I was eager to stop for a crafty vanilla slice at a bakery. With a few along the main high street if Balaclava, I settled for Baker in the Rye, specialising in traditional European breads, cakes and pastries. At $5.50 the Napoleon slice was tricky to predict, with the custard and the pastry looking decidedly similar in colour. With no icing or dusted sugar on top, the slice was instead decorated with tiny crumbs of flaked pastry. When picked up for the first time, the top layer was supringly soft, revealing itself to be the custard with a small amount of the pastry dust on top. The remaining 4 or 5 layers of pastry were flaky and had a good crunch to them, and very delicate in their construction. Sandwiched in between was actual custard, not just cream. The custard had a good sweetness to offset all of the more savoury pastry, with more than a hint of vanilla. Clearly a traditional recipe and method of presentation, seldom seen on my hunt. Quite honestly more fulfilling than I initially expected, but potentially a dollar too expensive.

Filling: Pretty average custard 5.5/10
Pastry: Better than expected but not freshly baked 6/10
Presentation: Slightly dishevelled, not a looker 4/10
Value for money: $4 - Resonably priced but not great 6/10
Overall score: 5.4/10

In need of a caffeine hit and some sugar for morning tea at the neighbouring Queens Park, Mrs B went on a mission to grab me a latte and a vanilla slice “if it looked good”. I stayed at the park pushing my boy on the swings, and saw her return shortly after with the goods and the pram containing his sister. In a brown paper bag stowed below the pram, I took the slice out and was met with the image below. Potentially a rough ride into the park, or perhaps not a looker from the start, I picked up the specimen and chomped my way through. With slightly crunchier than expected pastry I was pleasantly surprised that they didn’t bend with sogginess and staleness, as predicted. Though not super flaky, they did offer some resistance and had some character. The custard too was OK; a thick, almost powdered consistency with a definite vanilla aftertaste but nothing too flash or noteworthy. I question the ratio of custard to pastry here, perhaps a square shaped, thicker slice would be more aesthetically pleasing than the slim rectangular effort.

Filling: Heavily set, flavourless custard 4/10
Pastry: Soggy, bendy layers 3/10
Presentation: Rectangular, glossy white icing 5.5/10
Value for money: $5 - Overpriced, poor quality product 4/10
Overall score: 4.1/10

Stopping at San Remo to catch the pelican feeding, I indulged in a vanilla slice to snack on as I walked. It proved to be quite a disappointment. Compatrible in characteristics to a Ferguson Plarre slice, though not as tasty, it was let down by lacklustre pastry and heavily set custard. It was most likely baked the day before as the sheets of pastry had become soft and flexible when picked up. The custard too barely moved, and in fact aided the slice from falling to pieces like an adhesive. It also lacked notable vanilla content, creaminess and of course, a terrible texture. The icing was the best element, but icing alone cannot be enough to win me over. If only I was allowed to feed the pelicans with my unwanted slice, I wouldn’t have had to throw it in the bin. Interesting to note that San Remo Bakehouse offer discounted “yesterday’s bread”, but clearly not the case with their other products.

Filling: Oozy creamy custard 7.5/10
Pastry: Thin, fresh but not mind blowing 6/10
Presentation: Squarely cut and dusted with good proportions 7.5/10
Value for money: $4 - Good price to fulfilment ratio 8/10
Overall score: 7.25/10

With a trip out to the country came and opportunity to grab lunch on the go from Marysville Bakery. With the town seemingly to myself on a quiet morning I breezed in, ordered and disappeared in a flash. Selling at $4 a pop the vanilla slices looked pretty good in their takeaway boxes, with a fresh, fluffy custard most notable. In my first bite I inhaled some sugar which brought about a coughing fit, but I pushed through and ate the slice in no time. The pastry gave me reassurance of freshness, with a nice crunch with each bite, though the actual flavour and richness was not as good as it could have been. The custard was probably the best element; with a smooth, creamy and light consistency that oozed out of the sides with each bite. I narrowly avoided a custard spillage, successfully transporting all contents into my mouth with military precision. Not a bad stop, great curry pie is also worth noting.