Regulars to the Blog, or even those with a hint of nous might have predicted the outcome of this review based on the photo below. I have to admit that the vanilla slice didn’t look quite as bad when it was on display in the bakery, but sadly lost its icing sugar during transit home. Nonetheless, proportionally this slice is poor, with a heavy pastry to filling ratio. Not only that, the custard itself was more gelatinous than necessary, slightly crusty and cracked round the edges and lacking notable flavour. The thick layers of pastry were not tightly baked or crunchy, more of a softened texture that really didn’t offer much to the slice. Selling at $4 there is little value for money here; poor ingredients, execution and fulfilment. Due to its small size I did eat the slice, but had it been bigger it would have definitely been a throwaway job.

I was quite excited heading to Caulfield, with a planned pit stop in a local Danish-inspired bakery. Upon receiving my item I was quite surprised to see the state of it within the box. Looking like it had fallen off a plate and been picked up again, the custard was smooshed out the side, the icing sugar had partially disappeared and what lay beneath looked decidedly translucent. Upon my first bite, I was immediately faced with what felt like a slab of thick, tough and fatty pastry, with no crunch whatsoever. After a few bites, the custard had escaped from the other side, so I pretty much just ate the custard and left the rest for the bin. The custard itself was OK; light, fluffy, creamy and with a taste like vanilla ice cream I used to get in a soft serve back home. All of their reviews read positively, so hopefully their other items are better than this!

After a solid morning of rain, there was no sign of it letting up, so I decided to stop in Montmorency village to grab a sandwich. I also couldn’t resist one of their homemade vanilla slices, on display as a slab and looking far too good to ignore. Having already eaten the monster from Brent’s Patisserie in Eltham earlier in the morning, this really was just gluttony. I took the slice home where I continued to unwrap and pull this similar sized specimen apart.

Much like the slice from Eltham, the filling was huge and the icing almost 3mm thick, but with a hint of pink (purely aesthetic I later found out). The pastry was possibly better than my first slice of the day, even more flake and a tad darker in colour. It’s a shame I had to lose some from avoiding the sugary fondant towards the end, as it became just a little too overbearing. The custard was similar in taste and texture to Brent’s, but potentially slightly heavier and with less vanilla content - but still extremely good by most people’s standards.

What a shame the icing brought this slice down, a third of the thickness would have sufficed and if the pink had been a hint of strawberry or raspberry it could have been quite interesting. Well worth a stop if you’re in the area, and the retro value of the old Milkbar is also worth mentioning.

Regular readers of this blog will know that I have an issue with bakeries using the word ‘patisserie’. However, this time round Brent is well entitled to use such a term. My vanilla slice was outstanding. Selling at a very reasonable $3.80 it was proportioned for the fuller gentlemen and was quite an effort to complete. Nevertheless, I endeavoured and my moustache took a hammering, reserving some custard for snacking later on.

The custard was delightful. A really rich, creamy and whipped texture, not overly sweet and packed full of vanilla. There was a mound of it too, hard to contain once I got under way and the potential to make a real mess. The pastry was deceptively crunchy, baked in thin, compacted layers and gave the slice a great platform to pick up and eat freestyle. One only slight negative was the thickness of the icing; though in actual fact the sweetness offset the richness and creaminess of the custard quite well.

A real triumph in the North.

Selling at $4.50 this whopper of a vanilla slice could have been a catastrophic waste of money or a moment of magic. Well actually, it was neither...let me explain.

Undeniably huge in size, weight and calories, the slice needed a photo next to a prop (my phone), just to show the true scale. I wasn’t optimistic about how good it would be; in truth the pastry looked under baked and potentially soggy, the custard looked a bit gelatinous and pale and the icing somewhat thickly spread and lacking a tempting gloss. Not to mention, I’ve had a few doozies from Vietnamese bakeries in my time,

In cutting the slice on its side a welcoming resistance and crunching sound made me aware of a half decent pastry lurking inside. Whilst only a pale colour, the layers were tightly baked and fresh, allowing a good crunch and flake. The custard too was better than expected; a thick, creamy, smooth texture with only a hint of gelatin and packed with vanilla flavour. Admittedly the icing was a bit cumbersome, thick and hard to break through, but it didn’t detract from an otherwise decent effort.

It was only after four or five mouthfuls that I reached half way and stopped. Morning tea sorted for the next day, all for the handsome price of $4.50. Not bad.

It’s rare that I drive through Woodend and don’t stop at Bourkies. In five years doing the Blog, the mocha vanilla slice has always eluded me. I’ve smashed all of their other varieties (vanilla, strawberry, passionfruit, raspberry fusion), all with excellent attributes. In finally taking out the mocha slice, I couldn’t help but feel disappointed. I’m not sure if Bourkies are using different pastry, or they were just having an off day, but the two sheets in this offering were lacklustre, soggy and barely baked. The chocolate mousse was really quite tasty; airy, sweet and a rich chocolate flavour. It worked well with the sweet, but still slightly bitter coffee icing, producing the mocha flavour as advertised. Hidden in the ensemble was still their traditional vanilla custard that in truth got lost in flavour, but was still very welcome. I feel that $4.80 is too steep for this ‘artisan’ variety and coupled with the poor pastry today, it really should have been more memorable for the right reasons.

Romsey Hot Bread Bakery was my pit stop while driving to Edgar’s Mission. I took out a half decent looking vanilla slice, though dubiously pale looking pastry could have gone either way. When handled, I immediately felt the somewhat soft pastry, though I left my judgement for the bite and taste tests. The pastry was not awful, though it was a million miles from being buttery and flaky. It handled sufficiently to allow large bites of all layers, with a heavy icing being very overbearing on top. The custard was actually nice; milky, creamy and velvety smooth in texture, with a hint of vanilla essence. A decent enough effort, but not as good as others I’ve tasted in the Macedon Ranges.

With not being from the Eastern suburbs of Melbourne, I found Kerrie Road Bakery Cafe to have the best reviews in the immediate area I was visiting, so took a punt on a cheeky vanilla slice. I opted for the lesser seen chocolate iced French vanilla variety as the size disparity between itself and its Aussie cousin was notable. With the additional layer of whipped cream and chocolate icing as an alternative to traditional, the two changes made huge differences to the overall outcome. The cream was a bonus to an otherwise pretty average custard underneath. Though a nice smooth texture, the custard itself had little flavour to speak of. The pastry looked excellent from it’s side profile; delicately thin, tight layers of mid brown pastry. It was a complete surprise that the pastry had no crunch whatsoever when cut with a knife. It delivered no resistance to the knife; by no means soggy, but soft being in the optimum word. And that chocolate icing? Rubbish! Not a rich, indulgent chocolate taste, but a cheap cocoa aftertaste instead.

Sneakily hiding in a quiet back street of Moonee Ponds lurks an Artisan Bakery, only today discovered. With a wallet full of cash I inspected the vanilla slice and was undecided about the outcome. The pastry looked extremely flaky, but I wasn’t certain it was fresh. At a colossal $6.50, I’m pleased to inform that the portion was in keeping with the price tag. Nevertheless, I took the beast home and sat it down with a knife in hand. Thankfully, when turned on to its side, with a sharp blade resting on the pastry, resistance was immediately felt and my anxiety subsided. The pastry in fact was excellent; super rich, salty, baked dark brown and a very worthy addition to the slice. The custard was somewhat average in comparison. With notably less custard to pastry, it almost got lost between the dominant layers of the good stuff. There was undoubtedly a hint of vanilla, but little else. Artisan in name, Artisan in price, but not really Artisan in vanilla slices.

Filling: Deliciously sweet, creamy vanilla custard 9/10
Pastry: Thin with excellent biscuity crunch 9/10
Presentation: Run of the mill , square shaped with glossy white icing 7.5/10
Value for money: $4.60 - Medium portion, fresh and satisfying 8/10
Overall score: 8.4/10

With Horsham being a good half way pit stop between Adelaide and Melbourne, I fancied a late afternoon vanilla slice after the somewhat disappointing effort from Keith earlier in the day, Conways popped up on Google as having an excellent slice, so I drove through the town in search of greatness, I was not disappointed either. The slice sells for $4.60, which is slightly higher than most country towns selling similar sized and presented products. It’s presentation is typically Victorian, having now seen many insane varieties in neighbouring states. It was refreshing to have a flaky, crispy crunch from each bite. The delicately thin layers proved sturdy, functional and easy to chow down on. The custard too was very well constructed; sweet, creamy, vanilla flavoured and a nice, smooth, sticky viscosity. The icing was thin, simple and offset the pastry well, while not leaving sticky finger prints for my efforts. Overall a very good vanilla slice, potentially just a little overpriced.

Filling: Heavily set, discoloured edges but oddly nice 7.5/10
Pastry: Woefully inadequate 0.5/10
Presentation: Homemade, lacking style 3/10
Value for money: $5.50 - Medium portion, stale and parts inedible 2/10
Overall score: 3.25/10

Heading back to Melbourne, the 2 year old needed a park break to let off some steam. We pulled into Keith and sat in the sun whilst Mrs B went to a nearby cafe. She returned with a focaccia for me and a “quite good” looking vanilla slice according to her. Good is not how I would describe its aesthetics; instantly noticeable was the discoloured custard edge, the pale and wet looking pastry sheets and the light, patchy dusting of icing sugar on top.

Nevertheless, always grateful, I used my wooden cutlery to take it apart and taste each element. One 5 cent piece of pastry is all I needed to know that I wouldn’t eat any more. Tasting exactly how it looks, it’s wet, oily, soft texture put me right off. Instead I chose to eat the custard from between the two limp layers. The custard was not a good texture either; set with gelatine and resembling more of a custard jelly. It was however, surprisingly tasty with notable vanilla bean speckles running through. It was creamy and sweet and although somewhat confusing in texture I enjoyed the flavour.

Excellent park in Keith by the way. The train track ride on was so much fun for the 2 year old and the rest of the family!

Filling: Lots of fresh, creamy custard 7.5/10
Pastry: White as a ghost and no crunch 3/10
Presentation: Rudimentary, but good proportion of custard 7/10
Value for money: $4.60 - Large portion, fresh but no mind blowing 6/10
Overall score: 5.9/10

Many in this neck of the woods consider Dulwich to have the best vanilla slices. I also read that they smashed the world record in 2016 for the biggest vanilla slice, weighing in at over 800kg. With most place shut due to the Labour Day public holiday, Dulwich remained open and were ideal candidates for a visit en route to the zoo.

My first thoughts were that that the slice could swing either way. Though large and proportionally good, the pastry looked rather anemic and the icing potentially too thick. My suspicions rang true when picking up the beast for the first time, I immediately felt a soft and disappointingly pale pastry. It allowed for pick up, but little else. It lacked crunch and really should have been better for a bakery chain with a big rep. The custard was pretty good; sweet, creamy and lots of it. I admit that I did drop some on the floor with a few messy bites. The icing was excellent to end on a positive. Though quite thick, it was super melty and required some a serious wipes to remove from each holding finger.

Filling: Super creamy, thickened vanilla custard 8/10
Pastry: Surprisingly crisp and wafer like 8/10
Presentation: Accomplished and proportionally sound 8.5/10
Value for money: $4.60- Massive portion, fresh, sweet and filling 10/10
Overall score: 8.6/10

What more could you want from a visit to Hahndorf? Spring sunshine, German themed everything and Otto’s bakery selling “award winning” vanilla slices the size of your head. I was happy to oblige with my portion and strolled happily down the picturesque high street, chomping away until nothing remained. At only $4.60 for a very generous sized piece, I wasn’t anticipating the quality of the ingredients being so good if I’m honest.

Although the pastry was quite puffed and a mid-baked light brown colour, it was wafer like; crunchy and crisp. It made picking up the slice very straight forward and I’m happy to report that I had no spills whatsoever during my stroll. The custard was beautifully soft, creamy and full of vanilla. It threatened to dollop out the sides with each bite, but I kept my wits about me to ensure it all ended up in my belly rather than the pavement. Finally, the icing; potentially too thick and overbearing, but actually a good soft texture and the chocolate swirls were what I was left with as a pleasant aftertaste.

German sausage and hock platter for dinner too at the Hahndorf Hotel! Great day out.

Filling: Half decent custard and bitter blueberry jam 8/10
Pastry: Impossibly thick and hard 1/10
Presentation: Certainly hand crafted and memorable 7.5/10
Value for money: $5- Large portion but not the best components 5/10
Overall score: 5.4/10

When I stumbled upon Goolwa Bakery, neatly tucked in a laneway off the main shopping strip of upmarket Stirling I got excited at what might be on offer. I was really pleased to see slabs of vanilla slices for sale, one with an unusual helping of thick blueberry jam. Taken back by the blueberry, I failed to really consider the white topping. It was only when I paid my five dollars and proceeded to unwrap the monster that I could see it for what it truly was...coconut and marshmallow.

Thankfully I took a fork with me, because any attempt of lifting this thing in the air would have ended in loss of filling, fallen pastry sheets and impossible blueberry stains on my jumper that Mrs B would have struggled to remove. The first puncture of the fork revealed a metal like resistance of the pastry. It refused to cut, tear, breakdown and enter the mix with all the other layers. Therefore it was redundant. I simply used it’s stable surface to scoop the rather nice vanilla custard and sticky, bitter blueberry jam into my mouth as astonished passers by looked on. Notably, the top later also shared the same fate, and quite honestly a coconut element to this was just over the top anyway.
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Filling: Woeful pudding mix 2 /10
Pastry: Almost non-existent soggy layers 0.5/10
Presentation: Out of proportion, lacking finesse and love 2/10
Value for money: $3.90 - Small portion (thankfully) but mostly a throwaway job 2/10
Overall score: 1.6/10

Today I was duped. Duped big time. What looked to be a reasonable offering in a busy Bacchus Marsh Bakery, turned out to be a thing of vanilla slice nightmares. When unwrapping the goods, my first headache started when the bag had been welded shut by tacky icing, causing a series of pastry delaminations and any chance of picking up the slice left in the bag. Due to the suspect pastry layers the slice proved too much hassle to consume and was eventually thrown away. Soggy, white pastry and pretty awful pudding mix filling really is not worth the price tag of $4.20. Neither is the claim of ‘French style pastries’ on their window. The whole thing is confused and a real let down.

Port Fairy served two purposes in my recent drive across the state - a toilet stop and a bakery endorsed by State Premier Daniel Andrews. Now, Daniel clearly didn’t have one of their vanilla slices, or if he did he has exceptionally low standards of his custard based pastries. Selling a huge $6 slab or half sized portion for $3.30 I opted for the more sensibly sized offering. Given the outcome of my rating, I’m satisfied this was the best option all round!

Firstly three layers of blonde, puffed pastry propped up the sloppy and slimey yellow tasteless filling. Custard would be a bold statement; it really beared little resemblance to custard whatsoever and had little distinguishing features. Daniel might be able to shed some light on the ingredients to the filling, as I could not.

A thick dusting of icing sugar was not enough to conceal the poor quality of the components underneath. With last year’s disappointment at a nearby cafe, Cobbs Bakery selling dodgy looking vanillas and now this, perhaps I might only use the toilet when in town next time.

I popped into a local supermarket to pick up supplies, and stumbled upon this cake shop next door. I took the gamble to pop inside and felt the urge to press on with the purchase, regardless of my first visual impressions of the vanilla slice. Selling at just under $4 it was immediately evident from the first bite that this thing was of poor quality. The heavy duty wooden layers of flavourless pastry made eating the slice tricky. The overthickened generic custard mix and the hefty portion of thick white icing might have been enough to put some off vanilla slices all together. After a few bites with no salvation, I gave up and found the nearest bin. Next...

Filling: Thick, eggy vanilla custard 9/10
Pastry: Dark, buttery and tightly compacted flaky layers 9/10
Presentation: Neatly assembled, subtle pink coloured icing 8/10
Value for money: $3.90 - Small portion, fresh and delicious 8/10
Overall score: 8.5/10

Camperdown proved a worthwhile pit stop when heading back from my road trip across the State. I arrived late in the afternoon to find most shops closed, and with The Loaf and Lounge Bakery winding down for the day. Sat in the cake cabinet was one last solo vanilla slice as if fate had already decided it’s eventual consumer. At a reasonable $3.90 the slice was well conceived and offered good value for money overall. The pastry was an excellent dark brown colour, almost verging on burnt, but deliciously rich and salty. It crumbled and flaked when bit, but offered excellent stability when gripping. The custard too was a great recipe and texture; thick, eggy, dark yellow and sweet with vanilla. What let the slice down was the icing, which proved to be a synthetic raspberry flavour that sadly overpowered all the good elements of the slice. It was unavoidable to consume when the icing’s soft and gooey texture allowed finger print impressions to be made. Nevertheless, I was willing to overlook the taste of the icing in favour of the other great elements.

Good pit stops can make or break a road trip, so when consulting Google Maps this time round I noticed Terang. Placing 3rd at this year’s Vanilla Slice Triumph in Mildura, their reputation has sky rocketed since last month’s success. Therefore it was only right to pull in to the sleepy town and sample their goods.

Firstly I worked my way through a rather nice curried beef pie and latte, then finishing on the ‘Award winning’ vanilla slice. Similar in presentation to it’s competitors at the show, but with a more muted white matte icing, sized appropriately and combined with other items the cost seemed fair and reasonable. The creamy, yellow filling was extremely light and full of vanilla flavour. It’s ratio to the thin layers of pastry was excellent. Though the pastry was fresh and crispy, it was not as buttery and flaky as others I’ve had. It proved an excellent element to chow down with each bite, but for me it wasn’t as memorable.

An excellent pit stop, a very nice vanilla slice and another award winning bakery off the list.

Filling: Whiter than white confectioners cream and flavourless custard 2/10
Pastry: Biscuity crunch and fresh 7/10
Presentation: Interesting layered construction, eye catching 7/10
Value for money: $3.60 - Medium portion, fresh but avoidable 3/10
Overall score: 4.75/10

A last minute decision to shop at Milleara Shopping centre gave me an opportunity to check out Milleara Bakery’s offerings once more. Their traditional vanilla slices looked woeful with neon yellow jelly-set custard, so instead opted for their ‘unique’ French Vanilla slice. At a reasonable $3.60 I was eager to see how confectioners cream would fair in the overall taste. The two layers of filling were almost tasteless when eaten individually. If not for the serviceable pastry that at least offered some saltiness and crunch, the whole thing would have been like eating a dollop of slightly sweetened air. The almost comically thick icing would not cut and was as hard as acrylic sheet. I removed and discarded immediately and ate the rest, with little good to remember.

Filling: Soft but average vanilla custard 6/10
Pastry: Well baked but not fresh 5/10
Presentation: Thick upturned icing layer with signs of yesterday’s 5/10
Value for money: $3.80 - Medium portion, lacking finesse and freshness 6/10
Overall score: 5.5/10

Out for a drive to keep the kids asleep on a Sunday afternoon, I drove through Westmeadows and pulled into their local bakery. After what felt like a lifetime waiting to be served, I risked the vanilla slice, pretty much guaranteed to be yesterday’s. Nevertheless, I sat in the car and quietly worked my way through the portion. It became evident that the icing was too thick and hard to break with a bite, so decided to peel it off the top layer of delaminated pastry . The creamy custard was similar to most vanilla slices around, with a tangy vanilla, powdered flavour. It had quite a nice soft texture, but there were signs of over exposure to the elements around the edge. The pastry was clearly well baked, and a nice biscuity thickness. Although it remained partially crispy, it would have been much better on the day it was baked.

Filling: Beautifully soft and creamy vanilla custard 9.5/10
Pastry: Flaky and dark brown - outstanding 10/10
Presentation: White glossy icing, nothing out of the ordinary, well proportioned 9/10
Value for money: $3.80 - Medium portion, excellent value 10/10
Overall score: 9.6/10

Whilst driving back from Mildura, Mrs B informed me of the results from yesterday’s Australian Vanilla Slice Triumph. With two small kids in tow I wasn’t able to hang around for much longer than a bouncy castle session to hear the results in the flesh. An unknown bakery to me, Bridgewater Bakehouse had won the event. With Lady Luck on my side, Bridgewater was my pit stop for the return journey. It was evident from queuing in the bakery that they had had to up their game to keep up with the demand of such success. Already on their fifth slab and selling out fast by 2.30pm I took out a handful of slices myself. A reasonable price and decent sized portion also proved excellent attributes. I sat outside the bakery with my boy (not sure what he’s snarling at in the pic?) and braced myself. Pastry, excellent. Custard, excellent. Icing, excellent.

Best vanilla slice in the country as voted by the professionals. I have to say it has all the components to back it up. The pastry was an evenly dark, rich colour and milimeter thin and as flaky as you will find. It provided excellent stability for lifting the light and fluffy vanilla custard that was more airy than the previous slices I’ve eaten over the weekend. It reminded me of the Johnny Baker (Castlemaine) slice, with a slight mottled effect of cream/custard. It was exceptionally hard not to drop any as it squashed out the sides with each bite. These guys are going to be busy from now on. Congratulations, well deserved.

Filling: Better than average, fluffy custard 7.5/10
Pastry: Slightly pale and starting to go soggy in the box 5/10
Presentation: Almost glass like icing, average square offering 7/10
Value for money: $3.50 - Small/medium portion, but lacking conviction 6/10
Overall score: 6.4/10

My third slice of the Australian Vanilla Slice Triumph 2018 came from local Mildura bakery, Deakin. Upon my return back to Melbourne I read that they had taken the People’s Award, somewhat surprising to me after my critique the day before. Upon opening my $3.50 slice, it was immediately apparent that the pastry was soggy from its time in the plastic box. The pastry itself was a pale bake and a bit tasteless in comparison to the two slices I had smashed earlier. The custard was quite nice; a good smooth and light texture, but sadly lacking a real hit of vanilla in my opinion. The icing was just as good as Hudak’s and gave me something to clean off my fingers shortly after. Potentially a case of being a local bakery with sizeable fan base in the area? Well done Deakin.

Filling: Heavy portion of milky custard 7/10
Pastry: Extremely flaky, a nightmare to hold 8.5/10
Presentation: Individual, identifiable and rustic 7.5/10
Value for money: $4.50 - Medium portion, not what I was expecting 6/10
Overall score: 7.25/10

I’ve had Banana Boogie Bakery on my radar since they came 2nd at the Triumph three years ago. I haven’t managed to get to Adelaide since and so was pleased to see them selling on the high street at this year’s event. Selling at a slightly higher price than most others in the event they really had set my expectations sky rocketing. My first impressions came from the impossibly difficult to pick up pastry. Though light in its bake, its flaky texture meant that it almost dissolved when picked up and bitten. The custard, however, was a let down. Though generous in its portion it lacked a custard flavour and any vanilla content to my taste buds. What came through most was the milky taste present - definitely not as creamy and sweet as it’s competitors. The icing too proved to be more of a challenge than a fully resolved component to the slice. After consumption I had approximately half of the icing welded to my three holding fingers in large sticky chunks - nightmare stuff! I see that BBB didn’t place again this year. I wonder if they will make the effort to return for potential 2019 glory? In my opinion, they need to resolve a few issues with their current product. Definitely not as good as Jolene Laverty made out earlier in the year. Luckily she didn’t get too much press!

Filling: Award winning vanilla custard 10/10
Pastry: Flaky, golden, thin and decadent 9.5/10
Presentation: Typically styled, white glossy icing 8.5/10
Value for money: $3 - Money well spent 10/10
Overall score: 9.5/10

A six hour drive the night before and waiting in anticipation, Hadak’s took centre stage in the market hall and I pounced. Last year’s winners of the Vanilla Slice Triumph, arrogantly only selling a double helping, set the bar high. My first slice of the trip and what a whopper. I felt my teeth nearly fall out after the first bite as it’s sickly sweet layers were chomped. With their bakery on the corner of the Langtree Mall, it’s not surprising how fresh these things were. Dark, flaky pastry kept the rich, yellow vanilla custard at bay and the icing was as thin and smooth as you’ll see. Hellish sweet, delightfully morish, and they got my vote for the people’s choice....shame they didn’t win. Off to a good start and the second slice doubled up as an excellent breakfast the next day.